I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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