Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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