I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
