My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
