she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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