So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
