before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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