I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
