are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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