Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
