I just cut my nipple shaving
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
