Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
