meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
