you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
