Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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