if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
