So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
