sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
