That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
