Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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