we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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