oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
