Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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