Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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