Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
