He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
