she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
