i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Holy sore nipples Batman
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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