96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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