I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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