Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
