I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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