I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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