if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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