aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
