so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
