I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
