Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
