he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
