There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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