I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Let's get the cat blown out
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
