i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
