we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is Oprah even human
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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