p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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