if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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