Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
