Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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