my vag is so smooth its legendary
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
