its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
