that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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