I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
