The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
